


Blue

by Calucadu



Category: League of Legends
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Anxiety, Depression, Domestic Violence, Drugs, Multi, OD, Over Dose, Rape, Relationship Abuse, Strong Language, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This needs a trigger warning, You know where I'm going with this, consider yourself warned, i feel like i'm spoiling it, sodomy, strong themes, this is hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-07-27 14:14:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16220777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calucadu/pseuds/Calucadu
Summary: Caitlyn had always liked the colour blue. Her hair was blue, and it looked pretty. It made her look pretty. But after everything that happened, she started hating blue. And the feeling, too. Please read tags carefully.





	1. Blue

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, this is a story and in no way is it supposed to be treated otherwise. I do not condone any of the matters treated in this and if you or someone you know is going through any of the situations aborded in this work, I beg you seek help.  
>  **Warnings: strong language and strong themes.**  
>  Hope you enjoy this!

There was a knock on my door. I gingerly got up from the sofa, placed my book on my little coffee table and walked to open it. My heart beat heavily in my chest, knowing all too well who it was going to be. A part of me wanted to see him, but the other… well, the other might have been a bit confused.

I let the door swing open and was greeted by a handsome smile that did not reach his eyes. He entered quickly as I didn’t bother to answer his cheerfulness and he frowned at me.

“We need to talk.” He said, his gaze flickering through the room. “Sit down.”

This seemed bad. I gestured at my couch, giving him permission to sit where he wanted and he grunted in response. He crossed his legs and patted the place beside him, so I uncomfortable sat next to him. He placed an arm around me, as if that was going to solve anything.

I sheepishly looked at my boyfriend. The word still seemed odd. Out of place. Boyfriend. Me and Jayce. For over nine months and all, and I still hadn’t come to terms with it.

Of course, at first I’d been ecstatic. I loved him. The way his smile could cheer everyone up, the way it made me feel inside, the way it warmed my heart up. I truly did love him, way back then. And before.

I still remember the nights we’d spent on the rooftop of the apartment buildings, staring at the stars, sharing stories, jokes, thoughts. It had been his idea for me to go up there with them. He used to take Vi up, back when they were best friends and I wasn’t in the way. Back when I thought he had feelings for her, and I was just a third wheel. But he invited me up, and we shared a few beers, just the three of us. I hated the taste, but drank it nonetheless, not wanting to be rude. And one day, he took me up and Vi wasn’t there.

It was the first time we’d spent together alone, and it ended up making me glow for three days. I didn’t know I was falling in love. Maybe I didn’t want to know.

We got so close. When we were alone on the rooftops, he’d stroke my cheek and kiss my forehead, hug me close and tell me things about hexteck technology I didn’t know, or anything that popped into his mind.

When Vi was around, we acted like nothing was going on between each other, but Jayce always made her leave in the right moment.

And one night, after kissing me on the forehead, he lifted my head up and placed his lips to mine. Surprised, I opened my eyes wide, but closed them to enjoy the delicious moment. It was a soft kiss, which warmed my heart immensely. It was followed by many, many more kisses, not all of them quite as soft or cute. Our tongues intertwined repeatedly, growing hotter and boulder. We embraced, and he held on to me tightly as he whispered in my ear that he didn’t want to ever let go.

He kissed my neck, and I felt the warmth go up all my body, and I wanted to feel it. Feel so much more.

We ended up in his apartment, taking our clothes off before entering his room. He let me fall on his bed, the two of us now naked, and he continued his tender assaults on my skin. I massaged his muscular build, surprised at how attractive he actually was. Not that I would have cared much if he wasn’t.

We made love for the first time that night, and when we ended, panting and still hot and sweating, he pulled me towards him and told me he loved me. He said he’d felt that way for a long, long time, and that he couldn’t wait any longer. He was sure I must at least feel something, even if it was just lust.

I kissed him, then pressed my forehead against his.

“I love you too.” I whispered. We smiled warmly at each other and fell asleep moments after.

After that one night, we’d secretly meet each other, make love again maybe, or just enjoy each other’s company. We decided to make our relationship official, as meeting up secretly was beginning to get harder and harder.

We announced to the other champions in the Institute that we were together, and I still remember the smile on our lips, the way his arm was around my waist, pulling me towards him, the way my chest felt, the sensation of being overwhelmed with happiness.

But then, it happened. The amount of matches I had to do doubled in just a week and the stress was getting to me. Not to mention that I still had to do police duties around the Insititute. I hardly had time to rest in between matches and ended up having a nervous breakdown mid game. I was taken to the medical department in the Institute, and from there, tossed between doctors before they agreed I needed a special one.

Finally a psychiatrist gave me some blue pills and very clear instructions on how to use them. One a day, no exceptions.

I started taking my medication every morning, right after looking at myself in the mirror. I’d developed huge bags under my eyes, caused by the horrible nightmares I was having and the shortness of sleep. My stress affected my appetite and I’d lost a bit over 8 pounds in just two weeks. And to top it off, I was having really bad headaches quite often.

I didn’t have time to be with Jayce. And even if I had, I wouldn’t have been in the mood to be with him. I definitely did not want sex. The mere idea of anything sexual made my tummy tight and I felt like I was going to throw up.

I got to see him around from time to time. He knew about the nervous breakdown and had come to see me at the hospital, but he didn’t know I was medicated. The fact that I was made me feel weak, vulnerable. So, as far as he knew, I was fine. We just didn’t have time to see each other.

The amount of matches he had to do increased also, and I could tell it was getting to him too. When we did see each other, he barely kissed me anymore, he’d just be fidgety and nervous.

The season ended. We all had time to relax, no more matches. But I still had the same feelings. I wasn’t better. I wish I could say I was numb. Numb is ok. Numb means no pain. But there was pain. So much of it. It hurt to get out of bed in the mornings. To do things. To face life. To face him.

And he noticed. He noticed I was avoiding him. He got angry, yelled at me. He left my apartment that day, in a huff. I wish I could say I didn’t care. But my chest hurt more after the things he said and the way he looked.

Next day, it was like it had never happened. He did say sorry, though. Tried to kiss me on the lips and I forced myself to respond and not cry in his face.

But it just wasn’t the same.

I loved him. I still do. It’s not that. My feelings about myself were preventing me from feeling happy. They were preventing me from enjoying my relationship with him.

He was getting impatient, I knew it. We hadn’t had sex in a while, and after all that stress, he felt like he needed some release. It was weird. How I felt about sex. I’d gone from being a woman with a very high sex drive to being disgusted by the utter thought of it.

This takes me back to the day when he decided to talk to me about it. Jayce made me look into his eyes, concern written on his features. I was waiting for him to say what he wanted to say.

“We haven’t had sex in over a month.” He finally said and then his mouth was against mine, and my stomach twisted into a knot. His lips left mine and he frowned. “I’m worried, is something the matter?”

I choked on my own saliva and blushed, but he removed the hair from my face, a smile spreading on his.

“No.” I managed to say, but it was the biggest lie I had ever told him.

He looked at me for a moment, maybe to make sure that everything was indeed fine. I tried to smile at him, in an attempt to make him trust me.

“Alright.” His lips travelled to my neck and his hands roamed my waist while I fought the urge to flinch away. “Let’s fuck, then.”

This wasn’t like it was at the beginning. But I agreed nonetheless. It was easier than arguing, and it would get over quicker.

He was rough, throwing me onto the bed, tearing away at my clothes, and once fully naked, he shoved himself into me. No foreplay, just a searing pain all over my entrance.

I screamed, but he didn’t even bother to look at me. He finished quickly, and when he did, he got up, got dressed and headed for the door of my room.

I was fighting back tears as he turned around and looked at me with rage in his eyes.

“Don’t you fucking lie to me.” He said before he left.

It hurt so much. I was sure he’d made me bleed, he’d been so ruthless, so invasive, so inattentive, and I hadn’t been wet, but when I looked down, it just looked normal.

I got dressed, but the tears wouldn’t stop flowing down my face and I couldn’t stop the uncontrollable sobbing. I went to my bathroom to clean up, to try and calm myself down when my eyes rested upon the small bottle which contained the blue pills.

I chocked on a sarcastic laugh as I thought of just the perfect metaphor for my life. Blue pills. Blue. Like I felt at the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this! I've also posted this on fanfiction.net and will continue uploading on both sites. It shouldn't take too long for me to post the second chapter.  
> You can also find me on tumblr, where I have my normal account for reblogging the things I like (kuraudiachan) and one mainly for my writing (calucadu).  
> Have a wonderful day!


	2. Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, this fic deals with some pretty hardcore stuff and is only intended for mature audiences, so proceed with caution. Actually, it's gotten to the point where I'm having second thoughts about the next chapter. I'm not sure I should actually post it.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Next day I woke up with the tear streaks still on my cheeks. I had a faint headache and my mouth was oddly dry. I got up and headed towards my bathroom, to wash down another one of those dreadful pills. It scraped my throat slightly as it came down; but it was almost a welcomed sensation to me.

I headed towards the League’s canteen and had a nice hot cup of tea as I watched the other champions come in and order their own breakfast.

I was about to sip the last of my beverage when Sarah Fortune cleared her voice to my right and I was forced to look at her.

“Yes?” I inquired, an eyebrow slightly raised. This seemed to catch her off guard.

“Can I speak to you?” She bit her lip, which immediately grabbed my attention. I nodded, more intrigued about what she was going to say than anything else. I really wasn’t up to talking with people that day, but this would be an exception.

“I don’t like you, which is probably the reason why you’re gonna doubt what I’m about to say, but, hear me out.”

Because she paused, I was inclined to encourage her to go on by answering her with an “Ok”.

“He told me you and him were over. I mean, it’s not like you’ve been together in public anyways and I…”

My eyes narrowed, and she immediately shut up.

“Look, I’m not doing this for you. This is for me. I’m not ok with cheating and less still with lying, and I’m afraid he’s done both, so I’m gonna tell. Jayce cheated on you. And before you go insane on me, I’m probably not the only one he’s fucked.”

Something caught in my chest, and something else in my throat. My eyes prickled and I swallowed hard to prevent the tears from falling and to help my breathing. I looked at her and she frowned.

“You ok?” She whispered. But of course she knew I wasn’t. Nobody would be after hearing that, but I forced a smile on my face and nodded stiffly.

“I’m not angry at you. He lied to you, it wouldn’t be fair of me if I was. Thank you for telling me.”

She nodded curtly and waved goodbye, mouthing some sort of encouragement in my direction. I sat down heavily, feeling my heart beat faster in my chest and the world swivelling around me at a pace so fast I was getting dizzy.

I didn’t know what to do or how to react. I was frozen in place, contemplating my actions. Should I just confront Jayce or should I pretend nothing happened? My tummy was doing summersaults due to my indecisiveness – or maybe there was a deeper meaning to my uneasiness I wasn’t prepared to come to terms with.

I was so nervous I didn’t finish my breakfast, forgetting the long cold tea on the table as I forced my legs to take me to the battlefield. My mind was on overdrive as I played the matches, and I couldn’t honestly say I’d done well. My chest hurt like it was on fire, the words Sarah Fortune had said still playing inside my head like a melody stuck in my brain. The only difference being I wanted to rip my hair out and not dance along to it.

I got screamed at by our team’s Udyr for failing to do whatever it was that he wanted me to do but nothing really mattered any more. My whole life seemed like it was falling apart in front of me and I could only reach out to the shattered pieces that were left and cut myself with them.

Lunch was hard. As hard as not finding him in the canteen, which roused a lot of suspicion in me. My throat wouldn’t let me eat. It clenched tightly and it was near painful to swallow. I eventually gave up and walked off, hoping that a walk would clear my head. It didn’t, though.

After another round of awful matches and the lightest dinner in the history of dinners I’d made up my mind to go to his apartment and to speak to him. He answered the door after I knocked on it lightly.

“Hey, Cait, come in.”

I swallowed hard and entered, noticing his hand go behind my back and his lips kiss me on the cheek quickly.

“What’s up?”

“Well, I…” I stammered. I couldn’t control my emotions at that precise moment. I was furious, but somehow, the sensation had banished when I saw his smile. For a moment I thought it had all been a lie from Miss Fortune and my resolve tumbled down so fast I was left trembling on the spot. He immediately noticed and frowned.

“Is something the matter?” He asked, his arms wrapping around my waist. I flinched and pushed him back, determined to do this at least.

“Are you sleeping with other women, Jayce?” I asked, and for a moment, I felt strong and powerful.

His expression quickly changed. First, his eyebrows raised up, and immediately after, they fell down again, furrowing as they met. A flash of anger stroked his face as he grabbed my wrists and quickly pushed me towards him. The first thing I noticed was fear, crawling inside me, trying to push its way up, and then I felt the pain from the pressure he was applying to me where he was holding me.

His face was just inches away from mine and I could feel his hot breath tickling me as he whispered something incoherent.

“What?” I panicked, trying to get him to release my wrists. I struggled against him, getting anxious and he pushed me away, finally letting go. I had half a second to observe the damage and noticed two faint red lines.

The fear was creeping up from the pit of my stomach, and I felt the same uneasiness I had felt just the night before, when we’d had that uncomfortable sex and he’d growled at me to not lie to him.

“How dare you believe that nonsense about me?” He basically screamed at me, his face red and his expression deadly. I took a few steps back, leaving some space between us as a precaution.

I didn’t say anything, I just backed away some more, hitting my head against the door and nearly cursing under my breath.

“Answer me when you’re being spoken to!” He growled, leaning in, his nose nearly touching mine. “And who told you such lie, anyway?”

“Sa-Sarah Fort-Fortune.” I managed to stammer, looking at him directly into his deadly eyes.

“And you believe her!? You fucking believe some lying cheating pirate over your loving, caring boyfriend.”

When he said it like that, it made sense. It was probably a lie from Miss Fortune, maybe she just wanted to create trouble. Or wanted to fuck Jayce and thought that maybe by causing us to split up she’d be able to.

“Yeah, you’re right.” I said, lowering my gaze to the floor. “I’m sorry.”

He smiled and kissed me on the forehead, then let me have my space again.

“That’s alright Cait. Hey, I was just gonna head over to the Bar of Legends, wanna come along?”

“Sure.” I mumbled. For some reason, my chest was still tight.

He opened the door and offered me to exit his apartment, following me close behind. We headed over to the bar, and, as soon as we entered, he wrapped his arm around my waist and guided me towards the crowd of people in the room.

To my surprise, we found Vi arm wrestling a very puffed-looking Graves.

“Ha, ha! Take that!” She screamed in victory as she won, jumping up from her stool, forcing it to fall.

Graves grumbled something as he massaged his sore arm and left the table, probably to fume on his own.

“Hey.” Jayce smiled as he walked us over to greet them.

“Hi Jayce!” Vi smirked. She turned to me, her voice teasing slightly. “Hullo Cupcake.”

My boyfriend wrinkled his nose at her comment, forming an impossibly to comprehend bad feeling in my gut. I was shocked to find myself angry at Vi for being the cause of his rash behaviour. He spoke then and I tried my best not to panic. “You know I hate that nickname.”

“Oh c’mon! I was only joking.” She grinned at him, but quickly glanced at me. Her eyes slowly roamed my face and I saw her eyebrow quiver and her smile falter.

“Don’t call her that again.” He spat, leaning in menacingly. Vi didn’t give in to his threatening posture and brushed him off quickly by changing the subject.

“So, it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other aside from matches.” Her eyes were cold as she explored my facial expressions, probably waiting for anything I could do or say that might assist her in her suspicions.

She was being careful, testing the waters. Her gaze turned to him and she cocked her head as he answered her, back to his normal self. They spoke for a few more seconds but I couldn’t understand what they were saying. My heartbeat was too fast and the throbbing in my ears caused by my previous panic was preventing me to focus on anything that was going on. He had been angry again, and his anger had freaked me out.

I felt a huge gauntlet on my shoulder and brought my head up to look into Vi’s eyes.

“You okay, Cu-Cait?” She asked, worried.

“Yeah, I’m just…” Forcing a smile on my face I tried to find words to end my sentence with. “Tired.”

Jayce’s hand squeezed my waist, assuring me that I had done well.

“Maybe you should go home. Get some rest.” A gentle smile was on her features, but her eyes didn’t match the sentiment. They were burning me with an intensity I couldn’t quite understand.

“She ain’t that tired, right Cait?” Jayce pulled me closer to him and I forced my head to look into his smiling face. “You can have a drink or two, right?”

Something wasn’t right. I could tell by the way his gaze was boring into me, as if saying that if I defied his decision he would show me no mercy.

“Yeah.” I faintly said, turning back to her. “I’m fine.”

“You heard the lady.” Jayce laughed, finally releasing the grip he had on my waist and walking towards the counter “The usual, right, Vi?”

“You know it!” She shouted as he went away before she quickly looked at me, her expression unreadable.

“We should find a place to sit.” I commented before she could say anything and start a much dreaded conversation. She just nodded and followed me as I lead her to one of the round tables at the back of the bar. “Is here alright?” I asked before sitting down. She shrugged her shoulders, still watching me.

She sat in front of me, and placed her heavy gauntlets on the table.

“Look, Cupcake” She tried to say but Jayce appeared with three huge jugs of beer and placed them in between us and I was almost happy he’d arrived. He handed me mine and sat down next to me, sneaking his arm around my shoulder.

I saw them grab the mugs and I imitated them, a bit slow on the uptake.

“Cheers!” They shouted in unison as they bumped their jugs against mine, the foam flying everywhere as my hand was a little shaky. I stared at Jayce – maybe for support – as he egged me on to drink with a smirk on his face. He already had the beverage to his lips and was about to chug all he could when I decided to take the plunge. Before I could think about the fact that I was taking very strong medication that could not be mixed with alcohol, his hand was on my glass and he was helping me down the awful tasting liquid.

Vi and Jayce slammed their empty jugs against the table, laughing and pointing at the foam on their lips. I heard him joke around about her moustache while I did my best to not retch.

Somehow the beer tasted worse than normal and I was finding it hard to keep down. I was half way through when I couldn’t take it anymore and placed the jug on the table.

“Ain’t she a doll?” Jayce nudged me gently, a warm smile on his lips. It was almost the one I’d fallen in love with. If only it touched his eyes.

“What? Can’t finish it all?” Vi teased, her gauntlet creeping up on my mug. “Need some help?”

“She’s just got manners, Vi.” Jayce retorted, pushing her hand away. “She likes to take it slow.”

She stopped, looking at him before turning to me. He was also watching me, maybe asking me to tell her that he was right. I couldn’t voice what he wanted me to say so I grabbed the glass and lifted it to my lips, trying my damn hardest to swallow as quickly as possible so as to not have to taste it.

I finished it and breathed in, not realising I had been holding my breath. I let the jug slip out of my hands but Jayce caught it, placing it back down on the table.

“Good job!” He smiled, kissing me on the cheek. “Well done, princess.”

“Well, my turn to order.” Vi said, heaving herself up with aide from her gauntlets. She was about to go when she turned to me. “You sure you want some more, Cait? You don’t have to drink if you don’t want to.”

“She’s fine, Vi.” Jayce snapped, his voice far from reassuring.

“I wanna hear it from her.” She nearly snarled back at him.

“I could go for another round.” I lied, plastering my fake smile on my face again.

“Don’t feel pressured, Cait.” Her voice was much quieter than before and her brow was furrowed in worry.

“You heard her. She wants to drink.” Jayce barked. “Now get us some beers.”

Vi sighed after watching my reaction for thirty seconds before leaving to get the drinks.

Normally Miss Fortune would be the one serving us but due to the fact that it was Friday, the bar was full and if you wanted your drink, you might as well go get it yourself or die of thirst.

As soon as she was off, Jayce placed his mouth against my ear and his hands wandered a little south.

“I want to get really smashed today.” He whispered huskily before nipping my neck. “I want to have drunk sex with you sooooo muuuuuch.”

My stomach felt weird. Bad weird. Like if I didn’t do something about it I would die. I needed fresh air. The queasiness I felt didn’t get any better as a second jar was placed in front of me.

“Cheers!” They went again and I gently picked up my drink. The taste of beer was on my lips and halfway through my throat when my eyes watered and I got up quickly, nearly throwing the jar against the table.

“Cait?” Jayce stopped his drinking game and rushed to grab my hand. “You okay?”

“I need to go to the toilet.” I managed to mutter before I ran away, making it just in time to the ladies’ room, opening the first cubicle that was empty and landing on my knees as I was violently sick, over and over.

My heart was pounding and the tears wouldn’t leave my eyes as my stomach forced its contents out of me, which had been alcohol and the pathetic excuse for a dinner I’d been able to swallow.

I wiped my mouth sloppily as I tried to digest what had happened. My breathing finally calmed down but I could now taste the foul vomit flavour left in my mouth. It almost made me want to throw up again.

My body had rejected the alcohol. I was glad it had done it before most of it was absorbed into my system, but there was still something very unsettling about everything.

“Oh God!” Vi nearly screamed as she fell to the floor at my side. I hadn’t heard her come in and I hadn’t had time to close the cubicle door. “Are you alright, Cupcake?”

“Do I look alright?” I gasped, my stomach forcing me to heave again. It wanted me to keep throwing up, but I had nothing in me. I grasped the toilet seat with all my might as I spat and coughed.

“You didn’t have that much to drink… was it too fast or…?” She was patting my head lovingly but I was disgusted by her being there right then. I didn’t want to be seen, didn’t want to be _helped_. The situation couldn’t possibly be worse as she was still _smelling_ it. The thought brought on a new wave of queasiness and my whole body lurched forward as I retched again.

I wanted to tell her it wasn’t just the alcohol. It wasn’t the fact that I’d had it too quickly. It was the medicine. And my being ill. Altogether it had been too much for my body to cope with and I had had to throw up.

“Must have been something I ate.” I chocked, feeling the saliva pool in my mouth.

She was silent for a long while before answering, and when she did, I could tell she didn’t believe me, even if her response felt truthful.

“Sure.”

I wiped my mouth again, closing my eyes tightly. She helped me with my tears, and I avoided her gaze as she did.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Probably the best I’m going to feel.” I muttered, slowly getting up. I was wobbly on my feet and she had to hold me as I flushed the toilet and walked out to splash my face with water.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror and I felt my stomach churning again. I was repulsed by my image so much I had to face elsewhere.

“Gods I look awful.” I muttered, thinking she wouldn’t be able to hear it.

“You look beautiful.” She whispered and when I turned my head to her, she looked sad.

“I just threw up, Vi.” I retorted, my tone snarky. “No one looks beautiful when they vomit.”

“I didn’t mean it that way.” She muttered, her brow furrowed and her gaze turning to her feet. She let go of me then, taking a step back to see if I was stable enough. “Think you can walk?”

“No.” I could. I just didn’t want to. Her eyes met mine and she narrowed them.

“Want to stay here a while longer?” She asked and I nodded.

She stroked my hair as I tried to calm down. My hands were still trembling and I was sure I had a troubled expression on my face.

“Want me to deal with Jayce?” She whispered after a few minutes of silence.

I hesitated, pondering my options. My tummy churned as soon as I thought of him.

“Yes, please.” I spoke softly, looking at the floor. She must’ve nodded in agreement, preparing to leave. Her cold metallic hand gently caressed my face before I heard the door open and she left.

It wasn’t long before she was back, a gentle smile on her lips. Her next words were spoken softly, as if not to startle me anymore.

“Let’s go home.”

And as she helped me out of the establishment, her tight grip on my waist made me feel slightly less uneasy. As soon as we were out, I pressed my face against her body and enjoyed her warmth.

But no matter how cosy I was at that moment, nothing could stop the unholy black hole that was forming in my heart.


	3. Pitch Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. This chapter took me so long to post because I couldn't bring myself to edit it. It's _that_ hard. I still feel nauseated.  
>  I've updated the tags so please check them out before you read this. I feel oblidged to repeat that this is intended for mature audiences so please refrain from reading this if you're underage or feel like this will be too hard for you.  
> On a happy note let me thank you for the kudos, the bookmarks, the subscriptions and the comments. They make my day and even the slightest bit of feedback is greatly appreciated.  
> I hope you enjoy this nonetheless :)

A part of me was scared that Jayce was going to barge into my apartment screaming his head off at me for ditching him at the pub. I could vividly imagine the way his red face would contort in anger as he spat horrid words at me.

I groaned, rolling around in my bed. It had been over twelve hours since Vi had taken me home after throwing up in a public toilet. The memory made my tummy turn some more and I could almost taste the embarrassment and regret. She had tried to reassure me as best as she could, and I eventually smiled at her, but my insides ached with a pain I couldn’t identify or numb down.

Luckily Jayce didn’t come. I decided to stay in bed to nurse my weirdly aching stomach in hopes that my madly beating heart would calm down. I was very unsettled by what had happened the night before and all I wanted was to get it out of my head. Maybe stay in bed all day and hope that sleep would come to me as easily as the shame and regret had.

I don’t know how long I’d been staring at the ceiling in my bed when my phone buzzed. It vibrated a few more times before I gave in to see why it was doing that. The cute nickname I’d given Jayce in our pre-dating days flashed on the screen various times until I reluctantly opened the chat to read the messages.

JJ: come over

JJ: like now

JJ: need you

JJ: babe

JJ: get over here now or i swear to god

JJ: there r some pics u dont want the world seeing

JJ: come over now or i will send them to everyone in my contacts

Attached were the photos. I remember being mildly drunk after one of those late-night sessions on the roof drinking beer. He’d gotten kind of horny and kinky, and had thrown me on his bed, positioned me on all fours. Slapped my behind harshly, making me whimper. Of course I’d loved it. He’d proposed to do some other things and I agreed. It seemed like the sexiest idea ever when it came out of his lips and when he was looking at me like pure lust. I gave in to him filming me as I undressed erotically. He took pics of me bare, my head turned seductively to a side as I pretended to hide my breasts but didn’t actually cover anything. A few more of me opening up my legs, inviting him in. A short video of me giving him head.

There were pics of me being taken from behind.

My phone fell from my hands as I was shaking so hard I couldn’t control them anymore. I had forgotten all about them and the mere idea that he could have something so personal when I was feeling so vulnerable was terrifying.

The worst thing was that I’d like it. No. The worst thing was that it had been a special moment we’d both shared and he was going to use it to harm me. An intimate sexual act that I had enjoyed with him and now he would spoil it for ever, slut shaming me.

I didn’t like the monster he had turned into.

I had no choice but to go to him. I asked where he was and he responded that on his bed, waiting for me. I grudgingly made my way to his apartment, my heart sinking more and more with every step I took, weighing me down.

He let me in, led me to his bed, pushed me down, kissed my lips and I just let him, feeling like I was empty, like I was far away and what he was controlling was the empty shell left by my soul.

He played with me, grabbing my hands and putting them over his clothed, erect cock, as if showing me that I’d done that and now I had to do something about it.

“Strip.” He ordered. I looked at him, my eyes dead. He took a step back and I noticed he grabbed an almost empty bottle of alcohol, which he took to his lips. No wonder he’d stank like booze when he’d kissed me. Unwavering, I took my jersey off quickly. He frowned at that, walking over to me and slapping me with force. I fell on the bed behind me and started at him as he screamed at me that I hadn’t done it right. “Wrong, wrong, wrong! Not like that!”

But I didn’t understand what he wanted.

“Sensually, you _stupid_ fuck.” He kicked me, right in my ribcage, sending me flying yet again. The breath was knocked out of me and it didn’t help when he pulled me up jerking my shoulders roughly. His words were slurring and his breath was warm against my face, sending off every alarm inside of me. He kissed me sloppily, his teeth yearning to open up wounds in my lips as he pressed my face harshly against his. He let me go and I could breathe again.

“Strip.”

And I did, sensually. Slowly undoing the button of my jeans, hands running up and down my body. I was probably trembling. I couldn’t stop myself from following the orders he barked at me, fearing more threats and violence.

He finished the bottle. I gulped audibly as he alternated looks between me and the glass in his hands. He smirked.

“I wanna mark you so fucking much.” He snarled, pressing his nose and mouth against my neck, before biting it hard at the same time as he threw the bottle to the floor, making it explode in an array of shards. I was distracted by the noise, but he forced my head back by pulling my hair, forcing a short moan-like gasp of pain.

His nails attacked my skin then. Tracing my nearly undressed back, leaving pink marks from my shoulders to the verge of my jeans.

“You’re so hot.” He mumbled, this time his hands fumbling with the hook of my bra and tearing the cups off, his fingers digging into the soft skin underneath. I yelped as he pinched my nipples, bit them harshly. Tears were forming in my eyes as he took in my left breast and sucked before clamping his teeth over the sensitive bud.

Next, he struggled to get me out of my tight jeans. He only got them to my knees, which was good enough for him, I guess. He turned me round and threw me onto the bed, and I landed on my face, my arse in the air, in front of his face. He slapped it a few times, enjoying the muffled pained yelps that came out of me. This wasn’t like when he’d sexually spanked me before. This was full of something more intense than the lust that had consumed him last time we did this.

It was rage.

“You’re mine.” He was saying in between his vicious slaps to my now pink behind. “Don’t ever fucking forget that.”

He stopped, inhaling air strongly, and I noticed his fingers dig into my skin. Prodding and exploring, feeling everything he could. He was surely enjoying himself by toying with the bare cheeks. He hummed to himself, letting go with one hand, which reached to dance around my outer labia. I shuddered at the contact and he snickered, amused.

“Fuuuck.” He hissed, squeezing with one hand and giving a final slap with the other one, which pushed my head into the mattress some more. I felt a digit gently brush over my exposed arsehole and I instinctively clenched every part of me. He laughed some more, maybe at some private joke I wasn’t in on.

“How very lewd of you to be showing me this.” He muttered, his fingers trailing down to my pink slit and he started to play with the folds, as if it were a toy and him a young boy.

I huffed as he pushed a finger in. Two. Three. I felt the knuckles dig in as he arched the digits, prodding inside of me, maybe hoping to find something. He started thrusting and more tears fell from my face, only to die against the sheet were my face was pressed against.

If I believed in God I would’ve been praying to him. I just wanted this to end. I wanted my suffering to abruptly stop, I wanted to be saved.

He played some more. Finally he got bored and he finished undressing me, adjusting my position for him. Not so long after, his hot member was prodding against me, pushing inside of me and filling me with more than just dread. He grabbed onto my hair as he started a harsh rhythm, one I might have enjoyed, given other circumstances. He pulled my head back and I closed my eyes, crying, sobbing and begging him to stop. Yes, I was verbally pleading him to end it, to stop it, to stop hurting me, that I was sorry for whatever thing I’d done that had got him so angry.

He laughed.

I heard it clearly as it resonated in my ears.

He stopped, though, and I felt a hand push my head forward, and I was almost grateful when my face landed against his pillow.

I didn’t see him, but seconds later he had a hand on my neck, turning my body round to face me and pressing me down.

“Since you don’t know, I’m gonna mark you so that you understand who you belong to.”

He’d grabbed one of the shards of glass and was pressing it against my nipple, forcing it erect due to how cool it was. He toyed with the perk bud as he grazed it, before sinking it viciously into the darker skin and slashing a cut from there to my navel. I screamed as my nerves bolted with the pain, my back arching unconsciously.

He smirked, lifting the shard before pressing it against a different patch of skin. He must’ve marked me at least ten times, from my ribs to the edges of my groin, all the while my voice going hoarse from my ached yells.

He left my face intact. Except for the fact that he’d slapped me, and the cheek still felt on fire. I guess it’d left a red mark. He’d also probably left a bruise from the kick before.

He cooed at the marks he left on my skin, brushing a thumb over them, spreading the blood all over the place and remarking just how pretty they are.

“Just as pretty as you.” He finally observed, turning me around again and pushing my bum into the air so he could continue fucking me viciously. My newly created wounds burnt as my body was dragged against the bedding, the friction causing the pain to double.

He gasped, screaming in ecstasy, not pulling away in time and coating me with the white sticky fluid that I knew so well.

“You’re so tight!” he gripped my hair and pulled me upwards and towards him, pressing our lips together in another sloppy kiss. “But I’m not finished with you.”

He smirked as he pressed me to my usual position, face onto the mattress again. He grabbed my hips and adjusted himself before he entered me again, but this time, he was entering a whole new place. One he’d never dared use before.

“Oh my fucking God.” He gasped, sliding in and out, slapping his balls against my still very sensitive and aching folds. “You’re amazing.”

This new experience wasn’t devoid of pain. In fact, quite the opposite. It stung in a completely different way, making me clench my teeth and snarl at the obvious intruder. He was ruthless, his impressive rhythm undying, forcing me to yell and cry, beg and sob as I felt what was probably him tearing me apart.

It ended with a loud moan from him and I felt the way his fluids squirted inside of me. He hadn’t even bothered to pull out in time, unlike before. It was different this time, since the risk for pregnancy wasn’t as great.

He tossed me away and I rolled over on the bed, catching myself before falling off of it.

“Go away.” He said almost immediately, laying down on the wet and dirty sheets.

“What?” I croaked out, my voice now barely audible since I’d been screaming for what seemed like hours.

“Leave. Like that. Don’t get dressed. Show the world your naked slutty shame.”

I was almost grateful I’d been let go. I ran away as fast as I could, ignoring all the aches, all the throbbing pains. I had smeared blood all over my body, especially my chest, and I could feel his cum leaking out of me.

I crossed the hallways as quickly as I could, hoping no one would see me in this state. My vision was blurred and my heartbeat was erratic, so I’m unsure if anyone actually did see me, since I was too busy making a run for it to notice my surroundings.

I reached my place and locked the doors behind me, my pulse skyrocketing as I felt I would never be safe, not even in my own home.

I made my way to the bathroom, hoping I’d have the courage to see the damage with my own eyes.

The was a huge gash from my nipple to my bellybutton amongst many more and I just hoped the damage wouldn’t be permanent. It scared me to think that I might have been disfigured for life, even if it was such a small thing as loosing the perky bud on my breast.

There were red patches all over my skin, newly formed bruises and an array of scratches. I was trembling. I couldn’t get myself to clean the blood up or dress the wounds. I couldn’t find it in myself to even cover my own nakedness. I just stood there, shaking and feeling sick.

I looked at my face in the mirror, hating the reflection staring back at me. Bags under my eyes, a red cheek, messy, dirty hair… I looked like a living skeleton. How long had I looked like that? Had I always been this ugly? My stomach turned uncomfortably at the thought. I couldn’t remember if I’d ever thought of myself as anything other than disgusting.

Sobbing loudly and with my hands still shaking, I reached out to grab the blue pills, proceeding to pop one in my mouth. I wailed as it travelled down my throat, my fingers retrieving a second pill to place on my tongue.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to carry on. I placed the blue pills on my bathroom basin before walking to my room to recover my phone. The tears blurred my vision but I managed to dial Vi’s number, going back to the bathroom. I swallowed a third pill, this one scratching the inside of my throat as it was getting harder for me to get them down.

Three rings. Four. Five. She wasn’t picking up. My free hand trembled until it reached my hair, where it attached itself to my roots and pulled as I fell on the floor, letting my sobs and a few unintelligible phrases out.

A fourth pill was placed in my mouth and then swallowed. I needed to do this quicker. It was getting unbearably painful.

Maybe there was a slight glimmer of hope in me as I fumbled with my phone but was able to send her a quick “help me” text before dropping it besides me.

My hand grabbed the pills and before I could contemplate what I was doing, I dunked them all into my mouth, spilling a few as I tried to swallow them down.

I wanted to die. I felt so utterly wretched that I did not deserve to be alive. I did not even deserve to breathe the same air as everyone else.

I hated myself. I loathed myself so much I had swallowed all the pills, hoping that would make the trick and I would die.

I was starting to feel numb when maybe my phone started ringing. It didn’t matter. I didn’t care.

The pain in my chest was too much. My hands felt heavy as I tried to pull out the horrid feeling inside my heart, but the only thing that did come out were the tears that had been there since the start.

I started feeling lightheaded and suddenly my world became pitch black.


End file.
